One of the most heartbreaking patterns we see working with young people aged 16 to 21, is the difficulty in leaving harmful relationships even when the young person knows they’re being hurt. This isn’t a matter of weakness or foolishness. Often, what we’re seeing is trauma bonding, a survival response to inconsistent care, control, and emotional manipulation.

Understanding trauma bonding is key to breaking the cycle and helping young people move toward safety and self-worth.

What is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding happens when a person forms a strong emotional connection with someone who repeatedly harms or mistreats them. This connection is intensified by a cycle of abuse and affection. The pain keeps them low, but the occasional kindness gives just enough hope to stay.

For many young people, especially those with a history of neglect, loss, or abuse, this pattern can feel familiar, even normal.

**What is Trauma Bonding?**

Trauma bonding happens when a person forms a strong emotional connection with someone who repeatedly harms or mistreats them. This connection is intensified by a cycle of **abuse and affection. The** pain keeps them low, but the occasional kindness gives just enough hope to stay.

What It Might Look Like (Real-Life Examples):

A young person saying, "Yeah, he shouts at me, but he’s just stressed. He always says sorry."
Feeling intense loyalty to someone who isolates or controls them
Constantly trying to "fix" or please someone who hurts them
Being afraid of what life will feel like without the person, even when they cause distress

Why Trauma Bonding Happens

Young people are still forming their sense of identity and self-worth. If they’ve experienced instability in early relationships like absent parents, neglect, or abuse their brains may associate love with chaos, control, or pain.

In these cases:

Inconsistency feels normal
Affection feels like a reward
Control feels like safety

It’s not love. It’s survival.

How to Gently Support Them

As professionals, our role is not to rescue, but to walk alongside. Here’s what helps:

Use non-judgemental language – Avoid “Why don’t you just leave?” Instead, try: “That sounds really difficult. What do you need right now?”
Name the pattern – Introduce the concept of trauma bonding gently and explain it in relatable terms
Empower choice – Give space for the young person to make decisions, even if you don’t agree
Strengthen self-worth – Help them rediscover who they are outside the relationship
Offer consistency – Become the “safe person” they can return to without fear of blame

Final Thoughts

If you’re reading this as a young person, know that it’s not your fault. You didn’t choose to be hurt, and you don’t have to keep proving your worth through pain.

If you’re a professional or carer keep showing up. It takes time for someone to see what they’re in. Your presence, empathy, and gentle guidance can be the reason they find the strength to walk away.

Want to Learn More?

At GreenLeaf Homes, we’re committed to getting this right, even before our first placement.

If you’re a young person, professional, or partner who wants to talk about person-centred care, we’d love to connect.

Contact us here. info@greenleafhomes.co.uk or Instagram

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Trauma bonding in young people, support for teens in toxic relationships, emotional abuse and young adults, trauma-informed care, signs of trauma bonding, how to support vulnerable youth